Put 'Em Up!

So...what kind of fighter are you?  Are you the type that blurts out everything you're thinking based on whatever emotion you are feeling at the time, regardless of who it hurts?  Or are you someone who stays quiet and keeps all your feelings inside, where in time, you either blow up or build a huge resentment towards other people?

Okay, so that's the negative way of describing the two ways we tend to communicate.  Now for YOUR way and why you feel it is the better way to get through an argument.  Why do you argue/fight the way you do?  Do you think it's the best way?  Have you ever taken steps to change your fighting style?

I have to say, I'm the quiet type.  It's funny, because I have been known to get in my husband's face, pointing my finger at him and cussing up a storm at the top of my lungs - but in the 13 years I have known him - I truly think it's only happened 3, maybe 4, times.  And that USUALLY was because I had kept it bottled up and finally blew.  But truly my style is to get quiet, really quiet, and work through it before I say anything. 

One of the reasons I argue the way I do is because I don't want to say something from an emotional standpoint.  Because when emotions are involved, we usually react incorrectly to what was actually said.  For example, what is your first reaction when someone says something that hurts your feelings?  I would say that almost every time, your very first reaction is anger.  So you end up snapping back at them because they hurt you instead of just admitting they hurt you.  Think about it...think about a time when you got in an arguement that started out because your feelings were hurt.  If, instead of reacting by snapping or being nasty back to the person, from the beginning, you just said, "Ouch - that really hurt my feelings", you'd get your point across a lot better.  I mean, if you said something to someone and they told you that hurt their feelings - wouldn't that pretty much shut you up?  I mean, if they tell you you hurt them, would you really react by saying, "Yes, yes I did and damn time, too."  Doubt it.

But it IS very hard to not react.  I've only known one person who can stay calm 99% of the time and does that very well and that's my oldest and closest friend, Cindy.  We've been friends for 35 years, so to say (1) she knows me better than anyone and (2) we've had our ups and downs through the years, would be more than the truth.  But she is the one who pointed out that she would not discuss issues with me when I was still emotional about it (if it was a problem between the two of us - every other emotional problem she has been there for me).  I remember one summer, she was in Lubbock and I was in El Paso and every time I talked with her I would get angrier and angrier with her.  I can't even remember why now.  It got to the point where I was so steamed at her, I wrote her something like a 10 page letter telling her everything that was ticking me off about her.  Then I told her I was coming to visit some friends in Lubbock and I'd like to see her, too, but she was not allowed to bring up the letter when we did get together.  Nice, huh?  Think I was feeling a little guilty already? 

When I got there and we met for lunch, it was very tense and the conversation was stilted.  Finally, I told her I was sorry about the letter.  She just looked at me and said, "That's okay, it was an emotional letter, you needed to get it out, I understand."  I was shocked.  I truly thought we were going to have this long drawn out discussion about it - had been preparing myself all morning - and then she calmly told me that.  I was so surprised, I didn't even understand what she was saying.  She went on to say, "The letter was coming from the emotional, angry state you were in at the time and so not only did you take things I said the wrong way/out of context, but you also lashed out to purposely hurt my feelings.  And the thing is, I know you love me and if you were calm and rational when you needed to talk about what was bothering you - we would not be arguing at all."

Man, did she open my eyes!  It doesn't mean that I used to be someone who yelled everything out immediately and regretted it later.  I was always one that stayed quiet and ended up letting my hurt and anger build so much, I'd either stop hanging around you, or I'd blow up.  But it took A LOT for me to actually blow up.  I can probably count on my hands alone the amount of times I've done it in my 42 years.  But Cindy made me realize that if I get upset about something, I am so much better off if I stop, calm down, take myself out of the situation and figure out if I'm hearing everything correctly and reacting to what was actually said.  In fact, my husband knows that if I get really quiet, something's wrong.  He'll tip toe around a little bit, but then he'll ask what is wrong and I'll just tell him, "I'm processing."  He knows when I say that to just leave me alone because HE will be a lot better off if he waits until I'm rational to discuss what's bothering me. 

To me it has become the best way to deal with conflict.  Maybe because I AM such a sensitive person and even the little things can hurt me very deeply, when with other people it would roll right off their back?  If I were to speak out every time someone said something that hurt my feelings, I'd probably have no friends.  Ha, ha.  But, like Cindy, I've learned to not react with emotion 99% of the time.  I still have my moments every once in a while, but it's pretty rare. 

My husband has really worked on his temper, but he tends to be the opposite of me and blow up first, then apologize later.  So, in these instances, I have to remember to be the calm one and not react.  And he doesn't do it just to me, it's just his style.  I remember one time he was REALLY upset with how a friend was treating him.  He picked me up for a dinner date and from the time we got into the car to the time we ordered our food at the restaurant, he was telling me everything going on and how pissed he was and the revenge he wanted to get on this guy, etc.  Inside, I was thinking, "Crap!  He can't be serious that he wants to hurt this guy that way, can he?!  I mean, what the hell is wrong with him?!"  Like I said, this is what I was saying inside.  On the outside, I just sat quietly and let him gripe for as long as he needed to.  He finally took a breath (I seriously don't even know if he knew we were already at the restaurant), and looked at me and asked, "Well?  What do you think?"  I stayed quiet for a minute and then I calmly said, "Just because he is acting badly, doesn't give you the excuse to act badly, too."  I think he was as shocked at what I said right then as I was when Cindy said what she did to me all those years ago.  Then he just put his head down and said, "Crap - you're right."  :-)

Now, though my intentions are good, don't assume there are not cons to this way of dealing with things.  I am only speaking for myself at this point, not Cindy, and I probably shouldn't be so honest about it - but I said in the beginning of this blog - that I would try to always be honest.  So, there are times I have used this way of arguing because I KNOW the person I'm talking to is the exact opposite.  The other person is someone who yells and screams and gets everything out right away.  So, this type of person cannot STAND it when the person he/she is arguing with does not react the same way back.  They HATE when the other person gets quiet.  My father and I understood this in my family.  We are the holding back/quiet types.  My mother and sister are the yell and scream types.  So, growing up in my house, one of them would yell or be mean to me or my father and we would just get completely still and quiet and not talked to them for very long periods of time.  This would drive them so nuts, they would end up coming to us and apologizing for what they did.  My father and I would really never have to say anything.  Another example is, while we were dating, my husband did something at a party that made me mad.  I stopped talking to him at the party and didn't say a word the whole drive back to my apartment.  Finally, he said, "Are you mad at me or something?  What did I do?"  I told him what he did that made me mad (i.e. hurt) and he said, "THAT'S made you mad enough to not talk to me for 3 hours?!"  I actually started laughing.  I told him, "Oh man, you got off easy - ask my mother - I've gone weeks without talking to her before."  And sadly, that was true - when I was younger. 

So, that's my style - how I "fight" and why I do.  What's yours?  And can you defend your style, do you like it?  Or are you trying to change it?  What type of gloves do YOU wear in the ring?

"And The Walls, Come Tumbling Down..."

Walls...we all have them....  Some walls are wrought iron - you can see through them and be able to let people in, but still keep them at arm's length, some are built as thick as castle walls - moat included!  Walls are a normal part of life and growing up in our specific worlds.  They aren't necessarily a bad thing.  Sometimes, they are great - protecting us from people who can get to our heart and soul and really mess us up.  I've spoken before about having different levels of friendship with people.  This is an example of when I put up walls.  I keep myself at a distance in some friendships because I know I cannot fully trust some people, but I still enjoy their company.  But sometimes we erect walls out of fear and we keep ourselves from experiencing amazing things, like love and/or passion, climbing to the top of a mountain to see the magnificent view, having a child because you think you'll be a terrible parent, or even taking on school or a new job because you are afraid to fail.  It can be a number of things, but the main thing is we are hurting ourselves if we build THESE types of walls around us. 

My questions are...do we really know all the walls built around us?  And do we know if the walls we have are good for us or not?

I was recently talking to a friend of mine about things going on in my life and I realized I had some walls around me that seem to be misplaced.  I was letting some people in and keeping some people out and some of those walls needed to be moved around.  That's not to say I need to get anyone currently in my life out of my life, just that I probably need to put up a few bricks to protect my feelings.  And then there are some others that I have been keeping at arm's length that I realize only want the best for me and maybe I need to build a door in their walls.  But what I also realized was that some of the walls I DO have up, have been up for a long time and I never noticed them.  It wasn't until I was talking to my friend that I actually saw them.  I think at this point the question I have to ask myself is, "How do I take down the walls I need to take down, when they have been there so long and kept me safe?"  This again leads back to fear.  My own.  I am obviously going to need to face some of these fears, take them on full force, in order to break down that mortar.  It may take me some time, but I'm definitely going to try.  Because now that I see some of these misplaced walls, I'm also able to see over to the other side at what I'm actually missing out on - and it's a lot!  So wish me luck in my quest!

The other topic related to walls is - we have people in our lives who know we have walls up against them, but they refuse to give up on us.  So my next questions are...are these people a good thing or a bad thing in our lives?  And how do we know?

My LONG relationship with my husband is probably the best example that comes to my mind...I met him at work and within just a couple of months, he completely bulldozed through the walls I had up to protect myself from the hurt men can bring to relationships.  I denied that he did, of course, for a very long time, but the truth is, the first night we talked, I knew.  He, however, was a completely different story.  He had been married twice, had a long line of women in his life, but no true commitments and was not looking for any.  He had some issues in his past that made him build a fortress around his heart!  Through talks we had, I realized this early on and realized if he was the one for me, it was going to take work on my part, or anybody's, really.  He was so afraid of getting hurt by, and being vulnerable to, another person - it was like he lived his life in a suit of armor. 

I knew I would not be able to run straight towards him with what I felt and what I knew, I would just slam up against his wall.  So instead, I stood right next to it and slowly, but surely, began chipping away at it.  Think Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption.  :-)  I stood by him, supported him, forgave him (over and over again), kept his confidences, didn't judge him, but most of all, I loved him.  And the cracks I was producing in his wall started getting bigger and bigger.  And eventually, he felt safe enough to knock the rest of the wall down himself.  I know that if I had not done what I did and stood by him - we would not be together today.  And that would be the worst thing that could have happened to both of us.  So, in this instance, and I know my husband would agree, not giving up was the right thing to do. 

I know there are times when this can be a negative, though.  For instance, an abusive relationship.  Many times the abuser "doesn't give up", but only because he/she wants to keep the control over the other person.  So, maybe that is when you know.  Maybe it simply comes down to control.  If someone is in your life and they merely want to control it, then keep the wall up, or start building one.  But if someone is in your life, and there is no judgement - only support, caring and love, and they only want to help set you free, then make sure you keep those walls low enough for them to step right over.