Put 'Em Up!

So...what kind of fighter are you?  Are you the type that blurts out everything you're thinking based on whatever emotion you are feeling at the time, regardless of who it hurts?  Or are you someone who stays quiet and keeps all your feelings inside, where in time, you either blow up or build a huge resentment towards other people?

Okay, so that's the negative way of describing the two ways we tend to communicate.  Now for YOUR way and why you feel it is the better way to get through an argument.  Why do you argue/fight the way you do?  Do you think it's the best way?  Have you ever taken steps to change your fighting style?

I have to say, I'm the quiet type.  It's funny, because I have been known to get in my husband's face, pointing my finger at him and cussing up a storm at the top of my lungs - but in the 13 years I have known him - I truly think it's only happened 3, maybe 4, times.  And that USUALLY was because I had kept it bottled up and finally blew.  But truly my style is to get quiet, really quiet, and work through it before I say anything. 

One of the reasons I argue the way I do is because I don't want to say something from an emotional standpoint.  Because when emotions are involved, we usually react incorrectly to what was actually said.  For example, what is your first reaction when someone says something that hurts your feelings?  I would say that almost every time, your very first reaction is anger.  So you end up snapping back at them because they hurt you instead of just admitting they hurt you.  Think about it...think about a time when you got in an arguement that started out because your feelings were hurt.  If, instead of reacting by snapping or being nasty back to the person, from the beginning, you just said, "Ouch - that really hurt my feelings", you'd get your point across a lot better.  I mean, if you said something to someone and they told you that hurt their feelings - wouldn't that pretty much shut you up?  I mean, if they tell you you hurt them, would you really react by saying, "Yes, yes I did and damn time, too."  Doubt it.

But it IS very hard to not react.  I've only known one person who can stay calm 99% of the time and does that very well and that's my oldest and closest friend, Cindy.  We've been friends for 35 years, so to say (1) she knows me better than anyone and (2) we've had our ups and downs through the years, would be more than the truth.  But she is the one who pointed out that she would not discuss issues with me when I was still emotional about it (if it was a problem between the two of us - every other emotional problem she has been there for me).  I remember one summer, she was in Lubbock and I was in El Paso and every time I talked with her I would get angrier and angrier with her.  I can't even remember why now.  It got to the point where I was so steamed at her, I wrote her something like a 10 page letter telling her everything that was ticking me off about her.  Then I told her I was coming to visit some friends in Lubbock and I'd like to see her, too, but she was not allowed to bring up the letter when we did get together.  Nice, huh?  Think I was feeling a little guilty already? 

When I got there and we met for lunch, it was very tense and the conversation was stilted.  Finally, I told her I was sorry about the letter.  She just looked at me and said, "That's okay, it was an emotional letter, you needed to get it out, I understand."  I was shocked.  I truly thought we were going to have this long drawn out discussion about it - had been preparing myself all morning - and then she calmly told me that.  I was so surprised, I didn't even understand what she was saying.  She went on to say, "The letter was coming from the emotional, angry state you were in at the time and so not only did you take things I said the wrong way/out of context, but you also lashed out to purposely hurt my feelings.  And the thing is, I know you love me and if you were calm and rational when you needed to talk about what was bothering you - we would not be arguing at all."

Man, did she open my eyes!  It doesn't mean that I used to be someone who yelled everything out immediately and regretted it later.  I was always one that stayed quiet and ended up letting my hurt and anger build so much, I'd either stop hanging around you, or I'd blow up.  But it took A LOT for me to actually blow up.  I can probably count on my hands alone the amount of times I've done it in my 42 years.  But Cindy made me realize that if I get upset about something, I am so much better off if I stop, calm down, take myself out of the situation and figure out if I'm hearing everything correctly and reacting to what was actually said.  In fact, my husband knows that if I get really quiet, something's wrong.  He'll tip toe around a little bit, but then he'll ask what is wrong and I'll just tell him, "I'm processing."  He knows when I say that to just leave me alone because HE will be a lot better off if he waits until I'm rational to discuss what's bothering me. 

To me it has become the best way to deal with conflict.  Maybe because I AM such a sensitive person and even the little things can hurt me very deeply, when with other people it would roll right off their back?  If I were to speak out every time someone said something that hurt my feelings, I'd probably have no friends.  Ha, ha.  But, like Cindy, I've learned to not react with emotion 99% of the time.  I still have my moments every once in a while, but it's pretty rare. 

My husband has really worked on his temper, but he tends to be the opposite of me and blow up first, then apologize later.  So, in these instances, I have to remember to be the calm one and not react.  And he doesn't do it just to me, it's just his style.  I remember one time he was REALLY upset with how a friend was treating him.  He picked me up for a dinner date and from the time we got into the car to the time we ordered our food at the restaurant, he was telling me everything going on and how pissed he was and the revenge he wanted to get on this guy, etc.  Inside, I was thinking, "Crap!  He can't be serious that he wants to hurt this guy that way, can he?!  I mean, what the hell is wrong with him?!"  Like I said, this is what I was saying inside.  On the outside, I just sat quietly and let him gripe for as long as he needed to.  He finally took a breath (I seriously don't even know if he knew we were already at the restaurant), and looked at me and asked, "Well?  What do you think?"  I stayed quiet for a minute and then I calmly said, "Just because he is acting badly, doesn't give you the excuse to act badly, too."  I think he was as shocked at what I said right then as I was when Cindy said what she did to me all those years ago.  Then he just put his head down and said, "Crap - you're right."  :-)

Now, though my intentions are good, don't assume there are not cons to this way of dealing with things.  I am only speaking for myself at this point, not Cindy, and I probably shouldn't be so honest about it - but I said in the beginning of this blog - that I would try to always be honest.  So, there are times I have used this way of arguing because I KNOW the person I'm talking to is the exact opposite.  The other person is someone who yells and screams and gets everything out right away.  So, this type of person cannot STAND it when the person he/she is arguing with does not react the same way back.  They HATE when the other person gets quiet.  My father and I understood this in my family.  We are the holding back/quiet types.  My mother and sister are the yell and scream types.  So, growing up in my house, one of them would yell or be mean to me or my father and we would just get completely still and quiet and not talked to them for very long periods of time.  This would drive them so nuts, they would end up coming to us and apologizing for what they did.  My father and I would really never have to say anything.  Another example is, while we were dating, my husband did something at a party that made me mad.  I stopped talking to him at the party and didn't say a word the whole drive back to my apartment.  Finally, he said, "Are you mad at me or something?  What did I do?"  I told him what he did that made me mad (i.e. hurt) and he said, "THAT'S made you mad enough to not talk to me for 3 hours?!"  I actually started laughing.  I told him, "Oh man, you got off easy - ask my mother - I've gone weeks without talking to her before."  And sadly, that was true - when I was younger. 

So, that's my style - how I "fight" and why I do.  What's yours?  And can you defend your style, do you like it?  Or are you trying to change it?  What type of gloves do YOU wear in the ring?