Wow - sorry it has taken me so long to get back on here. I'm not sure where the week has gone! But a promise is a promise and so in order to NOT procrastinate on this any longer, I'm going to procrastinate on packing instead and take some time to talk here.
What did I want to be when I grew up? And am I there yet? Well, that's a little hard to answer. I mean, obviously as a kid, I changed my mind a lot. For example, I remember wanting to be a teacher, but mainly because they always got to cut in line at lunch and get their food first. :-) My grandmother wanted me to be a veterinarian because I loved her dogs so much. But I really think the one thing that I knew I wanted was to be a mom. More than that, really, I knew I wanted a family. Life doesn't always happen the way we plan it though, so instead of me getting married right out of college and becoming a mom, I went to work. I remember having a talk with myself and saying, "Okay, the fact is, there is no one even remotely in the picture right now, so its time to do something with your degree and get a real job!" So, I took my English/Psychology degree and got a job in Human Resources. And surprisingly, it was a good fit for me. Its funny, about six months after I got the job, my aunt asked me what I thought of it - if I liked it? I told her, "I get to be nosy and tell people what to do. It's the perfect job for me!" Ha!
So even though HR had not been a life long dream, I worked very hard at it and found my ambitious streak and climbed the "corporate latter", so to speak. And really, like with any job - there were plusses and minuses to it. But even though I was growing in my career, I could still feel it wasn't truly what I wanted to do.
Eventually, I did get married and became a mom. And it is definitely true what they say - it is the hardest, most rewarding job I've ever had. But I can't help but feel there is still something out there that is my passion, I just can't put my finger on it. I remember everyone always saying - find something you love to do and make a living at it, then you'll never work a day in your life. So, hmmmm, as I said in my first post of this blog - I've always wanted to be a writer - so maybe that is it. Only time will tell. I do know that that desire has never gone away.
I remember watching Paula Poundstone one time and she was talking to a young college girl in the audience about what she was studying and what she wanted to do with her life and the girl didn't know. Paula said, "Don't worry about it. No one does. That's why you always hear adults asking children what they want to be when they grow up - because they're looking for ideas!"
So I'm working on this blog and I've talked to a friend about collaborating on a book sometime in the future, so I'll keep working on these things and hopefully feel the passion grow. I know it has been since I started this.
So what about you guys? Did your childhood dreams match up to what you are doing now? Are you even close? Tell me a little bit about it - I'm interested in how we get where we are - this time I'm specifically talking about job/careers. So, send me some feedback!!!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Jumbled Pieces
Hey there! The title I chose is what my brain feels like today. So, I would love to hear your thoughts on a question that I'll pose below - otherwise, I'm on vacation until Monday. My husband is coming for a visit this weekend! :-)
Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? And if so, are you there yet?
I'll try to answer this one myself when I return on Monday. Have a great weekend everyone!!!
Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? And if so, are you there yet?
I'll try to answer this one myself when I return on Monday. Have a great weekend everyone!!!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Holding the Hand of God
Most people who know me know that I'm a pretty open person. I do have some secrets, of course, but for the most part I tend to share my life with people quite willingly (hence, this blog). In my early teens, when my girlfriends and I discovered boys/boyfriends, my friends would always come to me for advice, even though I didn't have as much experience with boys as some of them did. I asked my mom about that once and she told me I was an "observer". That I paid attention and watched others so intently that I was able to learn some of my life lessons through others' experiences and not my own. So, maybe that is one reason I am the open person I am. So, I'll share one of my difficult experiences with you and hope it helps give someone some clarity of their own.
As I've said, I got married 3 1/2 years ago. Given that I was 39, my husband and I decided to try to get pregnant as soon as possible. (I was convinced it wouldn't happen easily and would end up at a fertility specialist - boy was I wrong). Imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant 3 months after the wedding! We nicknamed the little one Bugaboo because we didn't know the sex yet and didn't want to keep arguing over what sex we thought the baby would be.
We had our first sonogram at 7 weeks and saw our little one just as cute as could be. We got our picture of the baby and I showed it off to everyone. At eleven weeks, I started spotting and the doc called me in so we could check on everything. It was obvious by the blaring silence from the technician that something was very wrong. The doctor came in and confirmed that the baby had died - apparently just after the first sonogram since he hadn't grown past 7 weeks. To say I was numb would be an understatement. Carl and I didn't speak, just held hands and went back to the car. We had to stop by my parents' house to pick something up and I just stared straight ahead the whole drive. Carl asked if I wanted to come in and I said no, I'd wait in the car. While Carl stood at the door and spoke to my father, I decided I should go in and see him. When I walked into the door, I collapse in my father's arms and the tears and sobs just came falling out. Looking back, I feel bad for my father because although he's the one I needed because he's always the one to "fix" things and make them better for me, this was not something he could fix or make better and I know he was feeling some of the helplessness I was feeling right then.
We went home and Carl started making phone calls and my mom came over to comfort me. I chose not to have a D&C, but to let my body do what it needed to do naturally. There was physical pain involved in that, but nothing compared to the emotional pain I was feeling. No one really prepares you for something like this, do they? But then again - how can they? Its not like I didn't know a miscarriage could happen, but before I lost Bugaboo, miscarriage was just a word. Now, the word meant I had a hole inside me that would never be completely filled again.
I know what the doctor said, that something was wrong with the baby and its our body's way of taking care of that. But that never really sunk in for me. I just felt horrible sadness and a huge amount of guilt - that somehow I did something wrong. Not in God's eyes, like he was punishing me, but that somehow I had done something physically to kill my little Bug. I crawled into my cocoon and talked very little and ate even less. Even though I knew my little one was already in Heaven, I prayed anyway, that God would take extra special care of my Bug.
Going back to work was a lot harder than I thought. Although I was not surprised by how many people knew about it (I worked at a newspaper - everyone talks there), I was amazed and deeply touched by how many women came to not only check on me, but share their stories of miscarriage as well. Although I'm never sure why it helps, there is no doubt that knowing you are not alone helps you survive tragedies. And in time, the tears and pain subsided.
I have my amazing son Tyler now, and he is the joy of my life. But even while loving and adoring him, I would still find myself thinking of Bugaboo and the sadness and heartache would return. I know Bug is in a much better place and that my emotions are just selfishness on my part for wanting him/her here with me instead, but its hard not to feel that way. We are selfish creatures by nature.
But then one day, I was outside in the front yard with Carl and Ty and Carl was holding Ty's hand and leading him down the sidewalk. While watching them, I let my mind wander a bit and when I focused back on them, I realized what I was seeing. The Lord was showing me that that was what HE was doing with Bugaboo. HE was leading the way, while my little angel was holding the hand of GOD! And for the first time I felt an incredible and lasting sense of peace. It doesn't get more amazing than that!
As I've said, I got married 3 1/2 years ago. Given that I was 39, my husband and I decided to try to get pregnant as soon as possible. (I was convinced it wouldn't happen easily and would end up at a fertility specialist - boy was I wrong). Imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant 3 months after the wedding! We nicknamed the little one Bugaboo because we didn't know the sex yet and didn't want to keep arguing over what sex we thought the baby would be.
We had our first sonogram at 7 weeks and saw our little one just as cute as could be. We got our picture of the baby and I showed it off to everyone. At eleven weeks, I started spotting and the doc called me in so we could check on everything. It was obvious by the blaring silence from the technician that something was very wrong. The doctor came in and confirmed that the baby had died - apparently just after the first sonogram since he hadn't grown past 7 weeks. To say I was numb would be an understatement. Carl and I didn't speak, just held hands and went back to the car. We had to stop by my parents' house to pick something up and I just stared straight ahead the whole drive. Carl asked if I wanted to come in and I said no, I'd wait in the car. While Carl stood at the door and spoke to my father, I decided I should go in and see him. When I walked into the door, I collapse in my father's arms and the tears and sobs just came falling out. Looking back, I feel bad for my father because although he's the one I needed because he's always the one to "fix" things and make them better for me, this was not something he could fix or make better and I know he was feeling some of the helplessness I was feeling right then.
We went home and Carl started making phone calls and my mom came over to comfort me. I chose not to have a D&C, but to let my body do what it needed to do naturally. There was physical pain involved in that, but nothing compared to the emotional pain I was feeling. No one really prepares you for something like this, do they? But then again - how can they? Its not like I didn't know a miscarriage could happen, but before I lost Bugaboo, miscarriage was just a word. Now, the word meant I had a hole inside me that would never be completely filled again.
I know what the doctor said, that something was wrong with the baby and its our body's way of taking care of that. But that never really sunk in for me. I just felt horrible sadness and a huge amount of guilt - that somehow I did something wrong. Not in God's eyes, like he was punishing me, but that somehow I had done something physically to kill my little Bug. I crawled into my cocoon and talked very little and ate even less. Even though I knew my little one was already in Heaven, I prayed anyway, that God would take extra special care of my Bug.
Going back to work was a lot harder than I thought. Although I was not surprised by how many people knew about it (I worked at a newspaper - everyone talks there), I was amazed and deeply touched by how many women came to not only check on me, but share their stories of miscarriage as well. Although I'm never sure why it helps, there is no doubt that knowing you are not alone helps you survive tragedies. And in time, the tears and pain subsided.
I have my amazing son Tyler now, and he is the joy of my life. But even while loving and adoring him, I would still find myself thinking of Bugaboo and the sadness and heartache would return. I know Bug is in a much better place and that my emotions are just selfishness on my part for wanting him/her here with me instead, but its hard not to feel that way. We are selfish creatures by nature.
But then one day, I was outside in the front yard with Carl and Ty and Carl was holding Ty's hand and leading him down the sidewalk. While watching them, I let my mind wander a bit and when I focused back on them, I realized what I was seeing. The Lord was showing me that that was what HE was doing with Bugaboo. HE was leading the way, while my little angel was holding the hand of GOD! And for the first time I felt an incredible and lasting sense of peace. It doesn't get more amazing than that!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Understanding and Acceptance
As children, our parents teach us to be nice to others and treat everyone fairly. As adults, we learn to not discriminate against anyone regardless of their race, color, religion, sex or national origin. I think most of us try and succeed in doing just that, too. But what about who a person is? How do we think and feel about a person when looking at their personality?
I think when it comes to getting to know, understand and accept other people - confusion gets the better of us more often than we'd like to admit. It's hard not to try to fit the people we know into the molds that make us feel most comfortable. We seek comfortable situations by nature, so it stands to reason we would seek out people we are comfortable with, too. However, people grow and change everyday. We often have to decide if we want to understand, accept (or both) the changes that occur.
And there is a difference between understanding and accepting. I think we assume they go hand in hand and they don't really have to. I knew a man who worked for a long time friend. When they started working together, the plan was that they would make the company grow and eventually take it over and run the whole operation. Well, his friend was the son-in-law of the owner and when his friend was promoted to president, things changed. My friend started getting pushed aside and left behind. Time and time again I would listen to him angrily tell me he didn't understand why he was being treated that way - that he would never do that to anyone. He would continually try to understand what was going through his friend's head. I had to explain to him that he was never going to understand why he was being treated poorly BECAUSE he would never do that to someone else, it was just not in him. BUT, he could accept that there are people out there who do treat people like that and then go from there on how he chose to handle it.
I worked for a company once with two other co-workers and once they left the company, I found out they had gone to my boss behind my back and told her lies about me, many times. When I found out, I think everyone was amazed that I didn't get upset and that I still keep in touch with them to this day. The thing is - I knew they were like that if for no other reason than they would come to me constantly and talk about other employees. Why would it be any different for me? I didn't understand what drove them to do that and why they liked to do it, but I accepted that that was just part of who they were and that as long as I knew that and kept things on a superficial level, I could really enjoy their company. Did I trust them? Of course not. Did they make me laugh and did I have a good time when I went out with them - sure did! Still do.
Now, a lot of us will admit that they accept a person for who they are, but it is usually someone they have to accept, like their boss, or an in-law. But do we really have people in our close lives that we don't understand, but accept. Or the opposite - are there people in our lives we understand, but just choose not to accept? And if so, why?
I think when it comes to getting to know, understand and accept other people - confusion gets the better of us more often than we'd like to admit. It's hard not to try to fit the people we know into the molds that make us feel most comfortable. We seek comfortable situations by nature, so it stands to reason we would seek out people we are comfortable with, too. However, people grow and change everyday. We often have to decide if we want to understand, accept (or both) the changes that occur.
And there is a difference between understanding and accepting. I think we assume they go hand in hand and they don't really have to. I knew a man who worked for a long time friend. When they started working together, the plan was that they would make the company grow and eventually take it over and run the whole operation. Well, his friend was the son-in-law of the owner and when his friend was promoted to president, things changed. My friend started getting pushed aside and left behind. Time and time again I would listen to him angrily tell me he didn't understand why he was being treated that way - that he would never do that to anyone. He would continually try to understand what was going through his friend's head. I had to explain to him that he was never going to understand why he was being treated poorly BECAUSE he would never do that to someone else, it was just not in him. BUT, he could accept that there are people out there who do treat people like that and then go from there on how he chose to handle it.
I worked for a company once with two other co-workers and once they left the company, I found out they had gone to my boss behind my back and told her lies about me, many times. When I found out, I think everyone was amazed that I didn't get upset and that I still keep in touch with them to this day. The thing is - I knew they were like that if for no other reason than they would come to me constantly and talk about other employees. Why would it be any different for me? I didn't understand what drove them to do that and why they liked to do it, but I accepted that that was just part of who they were and that as long as I knew that and kept things on a superficial level, I could really enjoy their company. Did I trust them? Of course not. Did they make me laugh and did I have a good time when I went out with them - sure did! Still do.
Now, a lot of us will admit that they accept a person for who they are, but it is usually someone they have to accept, like their boss, or an in-law. But do we really have people in our close lives that we don't understand, but accept. Or the opposite - are there people in our lives we understand, but just choose not to accept? And if so, why?
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Music vs. Lyrics
I love music - all types. Well, except opera (way too dramatic for me and I usually end up getting the giggles). And I'm sure most people do like a lot of varieties. My question, though is - do you like the music or the lyrics better? Obviously, there are a ton of songs out there that blend the lyrics and music so perfectly that you cannot choose, but generally speaking, which do you listen to more intently?
Although I was a band geek growing up and I love to climb into the notes of a beautiful song, I'd have to say I'm really more of a lyrics girl, myself. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I used to write poetry, maybe because I love to read - who knows? But there is something so amazing about someone putting pen to paper and writing simple words that can hurt you, sock you in the gut, make you cry, make you laugh, bring up your favorite memories, etc.
I love the written word and when someone writes something that makes me feel, and I'm able to relate to it as if it actually came from me - it always surprises and fascinates me. But sometimes it takes something being said a very specific way for it to really hit me. Think about when you have a problem and go to your friends for advice. They could all give you the same advice on what to do, but a lot of times there is only one person who says it in just a way that it makes complete sense to you - makes you think "Aha!" The Bible is another example. I grew up in a strong Christian home. My parents gave me a King James Bible when I was a child and I used it for years. I loved listening to all the history and what happened, I memorized my verses for Sunday school, but did NOT like reading my Bible. Then they gave me the NIV addition and a whole new world opened up and I was able to have a clearer picture and understanding. All of a sudden, the lessons actually applied to my day-to-day life and I loved it.
That's how the lyrics of a song can affect me. It can be random subjects, too. I mean, obviously there are love songs that fit certain times in your life, sad songs, sexy song, etc. But then there are songs like "American Pie" - even if you don't know what it's really about - I've never met anyone who doesn't love that song and the way it was written. There are a lot of song lyrics I love - lots! But one of my favorites are the lyrics to "Hook" by Blues Traveler. At the time it came out (1994), bubble gum pop was pretty much all you could hear on the radio. One day I was listening to the CD and a line caught my attention, so I listened to the song again and again and just fell in LOVE with it. Not only does it "stick it" to the pop music of the time, but fights against it as well - stands up to it while at the same time shows an understanding that there is a sacrifice that comes with it and how to get around it.
If you aren't familiar with the song, I wrote the lyrics below. But I highly recommend you listen to it either for the first time or again, because this is one where the music actually makes the lyrics even more mesmerizing!
Hook
It doesn't matter what I say
So long as I sing with inflection
That makes you feel that I'll convey
Some inner truth of vast reflection
But I've said nothing so far
And I can keep it up as long as it takes
And it don't matter who you are
If I'm doing my job, it's your resolve that breaks
Chorus:
Because the hook brings you back
On that you can rely
There is something amiss
I am being insincere
In fact I don't mean any of this
Still my confession draws you near
To confuse the issue I refer
To familiar heroes from long ago
No matter how much Peter loved her
What made the Pan refuse to grow?
Was that the hook brings you back
I ain't telling you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely
Suck it in, suck it in, suck it in
If you're Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn
Make a desperate move or else you'll win
And then begin to see
What you're doing to me this MTV is not for free
It's so PC it's killing me
So desperately I sing to thee of love
Sure but also rage and hate and pain and fear of self
And I can't keep these feelings on the shelf
I tried, well no in fact I lied
Could be financial suicide but I've got too much pride inside
To hide or slide
I'll do as I'll decide and let it ride until I've died
And only then shall I abide this tide
Of catchy little tunes
Of hip three minute ditties
I wanna bust all your balloons
I wanna burn all of your cities to the ground
I've found I will not mess around
Unless I play, then hey
I will go on all day, hear what I say
I have a prayer to pray
That's really all this was
And I'm feeling stuck and need a buck
I don't rely on luck because
The hook brings you back
I ain't tellin' you no lie
The hook...
On that you can rely
Although I was a band geek growing up and I love to climb into the notes of a beautiful song, I'd have to say I'm really more of a lyrics girl, myself. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I used to write poetry, maybe because I love to read - who knows? But there is something so amazing about someone putting pen to paper and writing simple words that can hurt you, sock you in the gut, make you cry, make you laugh, bring up your favorite memories, etc.
I love the written word and when someone writes something that makes me feel, and I'm able to relate to it as if it actually came from me - it always surprises and fascinates me. But sometimes it takes something being said a very specific way for it to really hit me. Think about when you have a problem and go to your friends for advice. They could all give you the same advice on what to do, but a lot of times there is only one person who says it in just a way that it makes complete sense to you - makes you think "Aha!" The Bible is another example. I grew up in a strong Christian home. My parents gave me a King James Bible when I was a child and I used it for years. I loved listening to all the history and what happened, I memorized my verses for Sunday school, but did NOT like reading my Bible. Then they gave me the NIV addition and a whole new world opened up and I was able to have a clearer picture and understanding. All of a sudden, the lessons actually applied to my day-to-day life and I loved it.
That's how the lyrics of a song can affect me. It can be random subjects, too. I mean, obviously there are love songs that fit certain times in your life, sad songs, sexy song, etc. But then there are songs like "American Pie" - even if you don't know what it's really about - I've never met anyone who doesn't love that song and the way it was written. There are a lot of song lyrics I love - lots! But one of my favorites are the lyrics to "Hook" by Blues Traveler. At the time it came out (1994), bubble gum pop was pretty much all you could hear on the radio. One day I was listening to the CD and a line caught my attention, so I listened to the song again and again and just fell in LOVE with it. Not only does it "stick it" to the pop music of the time, but fights against it as well - stands up to it while at the same time shows an understanding that there is a sacrifice that comes with it and how to get around it.
If you aren't familiar with the song, I wrote the lyrics below. But I highly recommend you listen to it either for the first time or again, because this is one where the music actually makes the lyrics even more mesmerizing!
Hook
It doesn't matter what I say
So long as I sing with inflection
That makes you feel that I'll convey
Some inner truth of vast reflection
But I've said nothing so far
And I can keep it up as long as it takes
And it don't matter who you are
If I'm doing my job, it's your resolve that breaks
Chorus:
Because the hook brings you back
On that you can rely
There is something amiss
I am being insincere
In fact I don't mean any of this
Still my confession draws you near
To confuse the issue I refer
To familiar heroes from long ago
No matter how much Peter loved her
What made the Pan refuse to grow?
Was that the hook brings you back
I ain't telling you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely
Suck it in, suck it in, suck it in
If you're Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn
Make a desperate move or else you'll win
And then begin to see
What you're doing to me this MTV is not for free
It's so PC it's killing me
So desperately I sing to thee of love
Sure but also rage and hate and pain and fear of self
And I can't keep these feelings on the shelf
I tried, well no in fact I lied
Could be financial suicide but I've got too much pride inside
To hide or slide
I'll do as I'll decide and let it ride until I've died
And only then shall I abide this tide
Of catchy little tunes
Of hip three minute ditties
I wanna bust all your balloons
I wanna burn all of your cities to the ground
I've found I will not mess around
Unless I play, then hey
I will go on all day, hear what I say
I have a prayer to pray
That's really all this was
And I'm feeling stuck and need a buck
I don't rely on luck because
The hook brings you back
I ain't tellin' you no lie
The hook...
On that you can rely
Monday, May 16, 2011
Let's Get It Started!
A couple of people have told me that I have a "book in me". Their theory, I guess, is that given all I have been through and not only survived, but grew from would be a great story others would like to know. I don't know about all that, but I will say I have always wanted to be a writer. Just not really sure how to get started. So, I thought I'd start up a new blog to hopefully get the creative juices flowing and see where it might lead.
I will agree that I have been through a lot, some things I will share, some I may not, but I don't regret my life at all. I wouldn't be where I am today without all the experiences I have had. I know we like to think we can learn from the good as much as the bad, but really - we don't. When life is good, we just sail through every door without a passing glance at what we were standing next to moments before. So, whenever I have had to deal with depression or difficult things - in the back of my mind I still know that something good is going to come from the situation - just have to give it time. And yes, I still need reminding of that every now and then.
A little superficial info about me...I'm 42 years old, married, stepmom to a 9-year-old and mom to an 18-month-old -- both boys. I've been married 3 1/2 years. I was born, raised and always lived in Texas and in a few months will sadly be leaving due to my husband's new job. However, I will continue to have high hopes that we'll end up back in Texas.
So, won't go into much else for this first post. Just wanted to get something out there and say hi. I am going to try to be as open and honest as I can and I welcome any and all comments. (Just remember I'm a Cancer and a bit sensitive - ha, ha!)
See ya'll later!
Ms. T
I will agree that I have been through a lot, some things I will share, some I may not, but I don't regret my life at all. I wouldn't be where I am today without all the experiences I have had. I know we like to think we can learn from the good as much as the bad, but really - we don't. When life is good, we just sail through every door without a passing glance at what we were standing next to moments before. So, whenever I have had to deal with depression or difficult things - in the back of my mind I still know that something good is going to come from the situation - just have to give it time. And yes, I still need reminding of that every now and then.
A little superficial info about me...I'm 42 years old, married, stepmom to a 9-year-old and mom to an 18-month-old -- both boys. I've been married 3 1/2 years. I was born, raised and always lived in Texas and in a few months will sadly be leaving due to my husband's new job. However, I will continue to have high hopes that we'll end up back in Texas.
So, won't go into much else for this first post. Just wanted to get something out there and say hi. I am going to try to be as open and honest as I can and I welcome any and all comments. (Just remember I'm a Cancer and a bit sensitive - ha, ha!)
See ya'll later!
Ms. T
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