So...what kind of fighter are you? Are you the type that blurts out everything you're thinking based on whatever emotion you are feeling at the time, regardless of who it hurts? Or are you someone who stays quiet and keeps all your feelings inside, where in time, you either blow up or build a huge resentment towards other people?
Okay, so that's the negative way of describing the two ways we tend to communicate. Now for YOUR way and why you feel it is the better way to get through an argument. Why do you argue/fight the way you do? Do you think it's the best way? Have you ever taken steps to change your fighting style?
I have to say, I'm the quiet type. It's funny, because I have been known to get in my husband's face, pointing my finger at him and cussing up a storm at the top of my lungs - but in the 13 years I have known him - I truly think it's only happened 3, maybe 4, times. And that USUALLY was because I had kept it bottled up and finally blew. But truly my style is to get quiet, really quiet, and work through it before I say anything.
One of the reasons I argue the way I do is because I don't want to say something from an emotional standpoint. Because when emotions are involved, we usually react incorrectly to what was actually said. For example, what is your first reaction when someone says something that hurts your feelings? I would say that almost every time, your very first reaction is anger. So you end up snapping back at them because they hurt you instead of just admitting they hurt you. Think about it...think about a time when you got in an arguement that started out because your feelings were hurt. If, instead of reacting by snapping or being nasty back to the person, from the beginning, you just said, "Ouch - that really hurt my feelings", you'd get your point across a lot better. I mean, if you said something to someone and they told you that hurt their feelings - wouldn't that pretty much shut you up? I mean, if they tell you you hurt them, would you really react by saying, "Yes, yes I did and damn time, too." Doubt it.
But it IS very hard to not react. I've only known one person who can stay calm 99% of the time and does that very well and that's my oldest and closest friend, Cindy. We've been friends for 35 years, so to say (1) she knows me better than anyone and (2) we've had our ups and downs through the years, would be more than the truth. But she is the one who pointed out that she would not discuss issues with me when I was still emotional about it (if it was a problem between the two of us - every other emotional problem she has been there for me). I remember one summer, she was in Lubbock and I was in El Paso and every time I talked with her I would get angrier and angrier with her. I can't even remember why now. It got to the point where I was so steamed at her, I wrote her something like a 10 page letter telling her everything that was ticking me off about her. Then I told her I was coming to visit some friends in Lubbock and I'd like to see her, too, but she was not allowed to bring up the letter when we did get together. Nice, huh? Think I was feeling a little guilty already?
When I got there and we met for lunch, it was very tense and the conversation was stilted. Finally, I told her I was sorry about the letter. She just looked at me and said, "That's okay, it was an emotional letter, you needed to get it out, I understand." I was shocked. I truly thought we were going to have this long drawn out discussion about it - had been preparing myself all morning - and then she calmly told me that. I was so surprised, I didn't even understand what she was saying. She went on to say, "The letter was coming from the emotional, angry state you were in at the time and so not only did you take things I said the wrong way/out of context, but you also lashed out to purposely hurt my feelings. And the thing is, I know you love me and if you were calm and rational when you needed to talk about what was bothering you - we would not be arguing at all."
Man, did she open my eyes! It doesn't mean that I used to be someone who yelled everything out immediately and regretted it later. I was always one that stayed quiet and ended up letting my hurt and anger build so much, I'd either stop hanging around you, or I'd blow up. But it took A LOT for me to actually blow up. I can probably count on my hands alone the amount of times I've done it in my 42 years. But Cindy made me realize that if I get upset about something, I am so much better off if I stop, calm down, take myself out of the situation and figure out if I'm hearing everything correctly and reacting to what was actually said. In fact, my husband knows that if I get really quiet, something's wrong. He'll tip toe around a little bit, but then he'll ask what is wrong and I'll just tell him, "I'm processing." He knows when I say that to just leave me alone because HE will be a lot better off if he waits until I'm rational to discuss what's bothering me.
To me it has become the best way to deal with conflict. Maybe because I AM such a sensitive person and even the little things can hurt me very deeply, when with other people it would roll right off their back? If I were to speak out every time someone said something that hurt my feelings, I'd probably have no friends. Ha, ha. But, like Cindy, I've learned to not react with emotion 99% of the time. I still have my moments every once in a while, but it's pretty rare.
My husband has really worked on his temper, but he tends to be the opposite of me and blow up first, then apologize later. So, in these instances, I have to remember to be the calm one and not react. And he doesn't do it just to me, it's just his style. I remember one time he was REALLY upset with how a friend was treating him. He picked me up for a dinner date and from the time we got into the car to the time we ordered our food at the restaurant, he was telling me everything going on and how pissed he was and the revenge he wanted to get on this guy, etc. Inside, I was thinking, "Crap! He can't be serious that he wants to hurt this guy that way, can he?! I mean, what the hell is wrong with him?!" Like I said, this is what I was saying inside. On the outside, I just sat quietly and let him gripe for as long as he needed to. He finally took a breath (I seriously don't even know if he knew we were already at the restaurant), and looked at me and asked, "Well? What do you think?" I stayed quiet for a minute and then I calmly said, "Just because he is acting badly, doesn't give you the excuse to act badly, too." I think he was as shocked at what I said right then as I was when Cindy said what she did to me all those years ago. Then he just put his head down and said, "Crap - you're right." :-)
Now, though my intentions are good, don't assume there are not cons to this way of dealing with things. I am only speaking for myself at this point, not Cindy, and I probably shouldn't be so honest about it - but I said in the beginning of this blog - that I would try to always be honest. So, there are times I have used this way of arguing because I KNOW the person I'm talking to is the exact opposite. The other person is someone who yells and screams and gets everything out right away. So, this type of person cannot STAND it when the person he/she is arguing with does not react the same way back. They HATE when the other person gets quiet. My father and I understood this in my family. We are the holding back/quiet types. My mother and sister are the yell and scream types. So, growing up in my house, one of them would yell or be mean to me or my father and we would just get completely still and quiet and not talked to them for very long periods of time. This would drive them so nuts, they would end up coming to us and apologizing for what they did. My father and I would really never have to say anything. Another example is, while we were dating, my husband did something at a party that made me mad. I stopped talking to him at the party and didn't say a word the whole drive back to my apartment. Finally, he said, "Are you mad at me or something? What did I do?" I told him what he did that made me mad (i.e. hurt) and he said, "THAT'S made you mad enough to not talk to me for 3 hours?!" I actually started laughing. I told him, "Oh man, you got off easy - ask my mother - I've gone weeks without talking to her before." And sadly, that was true - when I was younger.
So, that's my style - how I "fight" and why I do. What's yours? And can you defend your style, do you like it? Or are you trying to change it? What type of gloves do YOU wear in the ring?
Monday, June 6, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
"And The Walls, Come Tumbling Down..."
Walls...we all have them.... Some walls are wrought iron - you can see through them and be able to let people in, but still keep them at arm's length, some are built as thick as castle walls - moat included! Walls are a normal part of life and growing up in our specific worlds. They aren't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes, they are great - protecting us from people who can get to our heart and soul and really mess us up. I've spoken before about having different levels of friendship with people. This is an example of when I put up walls. I keep myself at a distance in some friendships because I know I cannot fully trust some people, but I still enjoy their company. But sometimes we erect walls out of fear and we keep ourselves from experiencing amazing things, like love and/or passion, climbing to the top of a mountain to see the magnificent view, having a child because you think you'll be a terrible parent, or even taking on school or a new job because you are afraid to fail. It can be a number of things, but the main thing is we are hurting ourselves if we build THESE types of walls around us.
My questions are...do we really know all the walls built around us? And do we know if the walls we have are good for us or not?
I was recently talking to a friend of mine about things going on in my life and I realized I had some walls around me that seem to be misplaced. I was letting some people in and keeping some people out and some of those walls needed to be moved around. That's not to say I need to get anyone currently in my life out of my life, just that I probably need to put up a few bricks to protect my feelings. And then there are some others that I have been keeping at arm's length that I realize only want the best for me and maybe I need to build a door in their walls. But what I also realized was that some of the walls I DO have up, have been up for a long time and I never noticed them. It wasn't until I was talking to my friend that I actually saw them. I think at this point the question I have to ask myself is, "How do I take down the walls I need to take down, when they have been there so long and kept me safe?" This again leads back to fear. My own. I am obviously going to need to face some of these fears, take them on full force, in order to break down that mortar. It may take me some time, but I'm definitely going to try. Because now that I see some of these misplaced walls, I'm also able to see over to the other side at what I'm actually missing out on - and it's a lot! So wish me luck in my quest!
The other topic related to walls is - we have people in our lives who know we have walls up against them, but they refuse to give up on us. So my next questions are...are these people a good thing or a bad thing in our lives? And how do we know?
My LONG relationship with my husband is probably the best example that comes to my mind...I met him at work and within just a couple of months, he completely bulldozed through the walls I had up to protect myself from the hurt men can bring to relationships. I denied that he did, of course, for a very long time, but the truth is, the first night we talked, I knew. He, however, was a completely different story. He had been married twice, had a long line of women in his life, but no true commitments and was not looking for any. He had some issues in his past that made him build a fortress around his heart! Through talks we had, I realized this early on and realized if he was the one for me, it was going to take work on my part, or anybody's, really. He was so afraid of getting hurt by, and being vulnerable to, another person - it was like he lived his life in a suit of armor.
I knew I would not be able to run straight towards him with what I felt and what I knew, I would just slam up against his wall. So instead, I stood right next to it and slowly, but surely, began chipping away at it. Think Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption. :-) I stood by him, supported him, forgave him (over and over again), kept his confidences, didn't judge him, but most of all, I loved him. And the cracks I was producing in his wall started getting bigger and bigger. And eventually, he felt safe enough to knock the rest of the wall down himself. I know that if I had not done what I did and stood by him - we would not be together today. And that would be the worst thing that could have happened to both of us. So, in this instance, and I know my husband would agree, not giving up was the right thing to do.
I know there are times when this can be a negative, though. For instance, an abusive relationship. Many times the abuser "doesn't give up", but only because he/she wants to keep the control over the other person. So, maybe that is when you know. Maybe it simply comes down to control. If someone is in your life and they merely want to control it, then keep the wall up, or start building one. But if someone is in your life, and there is no judgement - only support, caring and love, and they only want to help set you free, then make sure you keep those walls low enough for them to step right over.
My questions are...do we really know all the walls built around us? And do we know if the walls we have are good for us or not?
I was recently talking to a friend of mine about things going on in my life and I realized I had some walls around me that seem to be misplaced. I was letting some people in and keeping some people out and some of those walls needed to be moved around. That's not to say I need to get anyone currently in my life out of my life, just that I probably need to put up a few bricks to protect my feelings. And then there are some others that I have been keeping at arm's length that I realize only want the best for me and maybe I need to build a door in their walls. But what I also realized was that some of the walls I DO have up, have been up for a long time and I never noticed them. It wasn't until I was talking to my friend that I actually saw them. I think at this point the question I have to ask myself is, "How do I take down the walls I need to take down, when they have been there so long and kept me safe?" This again leads back to fear. My own. I am obviously going to need to face some of these fears, take them on full force, in order to break down that mortar. It may take me some time, but I'm definitely going to try. Because now that I see some of these misplaced walls, I'm also able to see over to the other side at what I'm actually missing out on - and it's a lot! So wish me luck in my quest!
The other topic related to walls is - we have people in our lives who know we have walls up against them, but they refuse to give up on us. So my next questions are...are these people a good thing or a bad thing in our lives? And how do we know?
My LONG relationship with my husband is probably the best example that comes to my mind...I met him at work and within just a couple of months, he completely bulldozed through the walls I had up to protect myself from the hurt men can bring to relationships. I denied that he did, of course, for a very long time, but the truth is, the first night we talked, I knew. He, however, was a completely different story. He had been married twice, had a long line of women in his life, but no true commitments and was not looking for any. He had some issues in his past that made him build a fortress around his heart! Through talks we had, I realized this early on and realized if he was the one for me, it was going to take work on my part, or anybody's, really. He was so afraid of getting hurt by, and being vulnerable to, another person - it was like he lived his life in a suit of armor.
I knew I would not be able to run straight towards him with what I felt and what I knew, I would just slam up against his wall. So instead, I stood right next to it and slowly, but surely, began chipping away at it. Think Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption. :-) I stood by him, supported him, forgave him (over and over again), kept his confidences, didn't judge him, but most of all, I loved him. And the cracks I was producing in his wall started getting bigger and bigger. And eventually, he felt safe enough to knock the rest of the wall down himself. I know that if I had not done what I did and stood by him - we would not be together today. And that would be the worst thing that could have happened to both of us. So, in this instance, and I know my husband would agree, not giving up was the right thing to do.
I know there are times when this can be a negative, though. For instance, an abusive relationship. Many times the abuser "doesn't give up", but only because he/she wants to keep the control over the other person. So, maybe that is when you know. Maybe it simply comes down to control. If someone is in your life and they merely want to control it, then keep the wall up, or start building one. But if someone is in your life, and there is no judgement - only support, caring and love, and they only want to help set you free, then make sure you keep those walls low enough for them to step right over.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?
Wow - sorry it has taken me so long to get back on here. I'm not sure where the week has gone! But a promise is a promise and so in order to NOT procrastinate on this any longer, I'm going to procrastinate on packing instead and take some time to talk here.
What did I want to be when I grew up? And am I there yet? Well, that's a little hard to answer. I mean, obviously as a kid, I changed my mind a lot. For example, I remember wanting to be a teacher, but mainly because they always got to cut in line at lunch and get their food first. :-) My grandmother wanted me to be a veterinarian because I loved her dogs so much. But I really think the one thing that I knew I wanted was to be a mom. More than that, really, I knew I wanted a family. Life doesn't always happen the way we plan it though, so instead of me getting married right out of college and becoming a mom, I went to work. I remember having a talk with myself and saying, "Okay, the fact is, there is no one even remotely in the picture right now, so its time to do something with your degree and get a real job!" So, I took my English/Psychology degree and got a job in Human Resources. And surprisingly, it was a good fit for me. Its funny, about six months after I got the job, my aunt asked me what I thought of it - if I liked it? I told her, "I get to be nosy and tell people what to do. It's the perfect job for me!" Ha!
So even though HR had not been a life long dream, I worked very hard at it and found my ambitious streak and climbed the "corporate latter", so to speak. And really, like with any job - there were plusses and minuses to it. But even though I was growing in my career, I could still feel it wasn't truly what I wanted to do.
Eventually, I did get married and became a mom. And it is definitely true what they say - it is the hardest, most rewarding job I've ever had. But I can't help but feel there is still something out there that is my passion, I just can't put my finger on it. I remember everyone always saying - find something you love to do and make a living at it, then you'll never work a day in your life. So, hmmmm, as I said in my first post of this blog - I've always wanted to be a writer - so maybe that is it. Only time will tell. I do know that that desire has never gone away.
I remember watching Paula Poundstone one time and she was talking to a young college girl in the audience about what she was studying and what she wanted to do with her life and the girl didn't know. Paula said, "Don't worry about it. No one does. That's why you always hear adults asking children what they want to be when they grow up - because they're looking for ideas!"
So I'm working on this blog and I've talked to a friend about collaborating on a book sometime in the future, so I'll keep working on these things and hopefully feel the passion grow. I know it has been since I started this.
So what about you guys? Did your childhood dreams match up to what you are doing now? Are you even close? Tell me a little bit about it - I'm interested in how we get where we are - this time I'm specifically talking about job/careers. So, send me some feedback!!!
What did I want to be when I grew up? And am I there yet? Well, that's a little hard to answer. I mean, obviously as a kid, I changed my mind a lot. For example, I remember wanting to be a teacher, but mainly because they always got to cut in line at lunch and get their food first. :-) My grandmother wanted me to be a veterinarian because I loved her dogs so much. But I really think the one thing that I knew I wanted was to be a mom. More than that, really, I knew I wanted a family. Life doesn't always happen the way we plan it though, so instead of me getting married right out of college and becoming a mom, I went to work. I remember having a talk with myself and saying, "Okay, the fact is, there is no one even remotely in the picture right now, so its time to do something with your degree and get a real job!" So, I took my English/Psychology degree and got a job in Human Resources. And surprisingly, it was a good fit for me. Its funny, about six months after I got the job, my aunt asked me what I thought of it - if I liked it? I told her, "I get to be nosy and tell people what to do. It's the perfect job for me!" Ha!
So even though HR had not been a life long dream, I worked very hard at it and found my ambitious streak and climbed the "corporate latter", so to speak. And really, like with any job - there were plusses and minuses to it. But even though I was growing in my career, I could still feel it wasn't truly what I wanted to do.
Eventually, I did get married and became a mom. And it is definitely true what they say - it is the hardest, most rewarding job I've ever had. But I can't help but feel there is still something out there that is my passion, I just can't put my finger on it. I remember everyone always saying - find something you love to do and make a living at it, then you'll never work a day in your life. So, hmmmm, as I said in my first post of this blog - I've always wanted to be a writer - so maybe that is it. Only time will tell. I do know that that desire has never gone away.
I remember watching Paula Poundstone one time and she was talking to a young college girl in the audience about what she was studying and what she wanted to do with her life and the girl didn't know. Paula said, "Don't worry about it. No one does. That's why you always hear adults asking children what they want to be when they grow up - because they're looking for ideas!"
So I'm working on this blog and I've talked to a friend about collaborating on a book sometime in the future, so I'll keep working on these things and hopefully feel the passion grow. I know it has been since I started this.
So what about you guys? Did your childhood dreams match up to what you are doing now? Are you even close? Tell me a little bit about it - I'm interested in how we get where we are - this time I'm specifically talking about job/careers. So, send me some feedback!!!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Jumbled Pieces
Hey there! The title I chose is what my brain feels like today. So, I would love to hear your thoughts on a question that I'll pose below - otherwise, I'm on vacation until Monday. My husband is coming for a visit this weekend! :-)
Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? And if so, are you there yet?
I'll try to answer this one myself when I return on Monday. Have a great weekend everyone!!!
Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? And if so, are you there yet?
I'll try to answer this one myself when I return on Monday. Have a great weekend everyone!!!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Holding the Hand of God
Most people who know me know that I'm a pretty open person. I do have some secrets, of course, but for the most part I tend to share my life with people quite willingly (hence, this blog). In my early teens, when my girlfriends and I discovered boys/boyfriends, my friends would always come to me for advice, even though I didn't have as much experience with boys as some of them did. I asked my mom about that once and she told me I was an "observer". That I paid attention and watched others so intently that I was able to learn some of my life lessons through others' experiences and not my own. So, maybe that is one reason I am the open person I am. So, I'll share one of my difficult experiences with you and hope it helps give someone some clarity of their own.
As I've said, I got married 3 1/2 years ago. Given that I was 39, my husband and I decided to try to get pregnant as soon as possible. (I was convinced it wouldn't happen easily and would end up at a fertility specialist - boy was I wrong). Imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant 3 months after the wedding! We nicknamed the little one Bugaboo because we didn't know the sex yet and didn't want to keep arguing over what sex we thought the baby would be.
We had our first sonogram at 7 weeks and saw our little one just as cute as could be. We got our picture of the baby and I showed it off to everyone. At eleven weeks, I started spotting and the doc called me in so we could check on everything. It was obvious by the blaring silence from the technician that something was very wrong. The doctor came in and confirmed that the baby had died - apparently just after the first sonogram since he hadn't grown past 7 weeks. To say I was numb would be an understatement. Carl and I didn't speak, just held hands and went back to the car. We had to stop by my parents' house to pick something up and I just stared straight ahead the whole drive. Carl asked if I wanted to come in and I said no, I'd wait in the car. While Carl stood at the door and spoke to my father, I decided I should go in and see him. When I walked into the door, I collapse in my father's arms and the tears and sobs just came falling out. Looking back, I feel bad for my father because although he's the one I needed because he's always the one to "fix" things and make them better for me, this was not something he could fix or make better and I know he was feeling some of the helplessness I was feeling right then.
We went home and Carl started making phone calls and my mom came over to comfort me. I chose not to have a D&C, but to let my body do what it needed to do naturally. There was physical pain involved in that, but nothing compared to the emotional pain I was feeling. No one really prepares you for something like this, do they? But then again - how can they? Its not like I didn't know a miscarriage could happen, but before I lost Bugaboo, miscarriage was just a word. Now, the word meant I had a hole inside me that would never be completely filled again.
I know what the doctor said, that something was wrong with the baby and its our body's way of taking care of that. But that never really sunk in for me. I just felt horrible sadness and a huge amount of guilt - that somehow I did something wrong. Not in God's eyes, like he was punishing me, but that somehow I had done something physically to kill my little Bug. I crawled into my cocoon and talked very little and ate even less. Even though I knew my little one was already in Heaven, I prayed anyway, that God would take extra special care of my Bug.
Going back to work was a lot harder than I thought. Although I was not surprised by how many people knew about it (I worked at a newspaper - everyone talks there), I was amazed and deeply touched by how many women came to not only check on me, but share their stories of miscarriage as well. Although I'm never sure why it helps, there is no doubt that knowing you are not alone helps you survive tragedies. And in time, the tears and pain subsided.
I have my amazing son Tyler now, and he is the joy of my life. But even while loving and adoring him, I would still find myself thinking of Bugaboo and the sadness and heartache would return. I know Bug is in a much better place and that my emotions are just selfishness on my part for wanting him/her here with me instead, but its hard not to feel that way. We are selfish creatures by nature.
But then one day, I was outside in the front yard with Carl and Ty and Carl was holding Ty's hand and leading him down the sidewalk. While watching them, I let my mind wander a bit and when I focused back on them, I realized what I was seeing. The Lord was showing me that that was what HE was doing with Bugaboo. HE was leading the way, while my little angel was holding the hand of GOD! And for the first time I felt an incredible and lasting sense of peace. It doesn't get more amazing than that!
As I've said, I got married 3 1/2 years ago. Given that I was 39, my husband and I decided to try to get pregnant as soon as possible. (I was convinced it wouldn't happen easily and would end up at a fertility specialist - boy was I wrong). Imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant 3 months after the wedding! We nicknamed the little one Bugaboo because we didn't know the sex yet and didn't want to keep arguing over what sex we thought the baby would be.
We had our first sonogram at 7 weeks and saw our little one just as cute as could be. We got our picture of the baby and I showed it off to everyone. At eleven weeks, I started spotting and the doc called me in so we could check on everything. It was obvious by the blaring silence from the technician that something was very wrong. The doctor came in and confirmed that the baby had died - apparently just after the first sonogram since he hadn't grown past 7 weeks. To say I was numb would be an understatement. Carl and I didn't speak, just held hands and went back to the car. We had to stop by my parents' house to pick something up and I just stared straight ahead the whole drive. Carl asked if I wanted to come in and I said no, I'd wait in the car. While Carl stood at the door and spoke to my father, I decided I should go in and see him. When I walked into the door, I collapse in my father's arms and the tears and sobs just came falling out. Looking back, I feel bad for my father because although he's the one I needed because he's always the one to "fix" things and make them better for me, this was not something he could fix or make better and I know he was feeling some of the helplessness I was feeling right then.
We went home and Carl started making phone calls and my mom came over to comfort me. I chose not to have a D&C, but to let my body do what it needed to do naturally. There was physical pain involved in that, but nothing compared to the emotional pain I was feeling. No one really prepares you for something like this, do they? But then again - how can they? Its not like I didn't know a miscarriage could happen, but before I lost Bugaboo, miscarriage was just a word. Now, the word meant I had a hole inside me that would never be completely filled again.
I know what the doctor said, that something was wrong with the baby and its our body's way of taking care of that. But that never really sunk in for me. I just felt horrible sadness and a huge amount of guilt - that somehow I did something wrong. Not in God's eyes, like he was punishing me, but that somehow I had done something physically to kill my little Bug. I crawled into my cocoon and talked very little and ate even less. Even though I knew my little one was already in Heaven, I prayed anyway, that God would take extra special care of my Bug.
Going back to work was a lot harder than I thought. Although I was not surprised by how many people knew about it (I worked at a newspaper - everyone talks there), I was amazed and deeply touched by how many women came to not only check on me, but share their stories of miscarriage as well. Although I'm never sure why it helps, there is no doubt that knowing you are not alone helps you survive tragedies. And in time, the tears and pain subsided.
I have my amazing son Tyler now, and he is the joy of my life. But even while loving and adoring him, I would still find myself thinking of Bugaboo and the sadness and heartache would return. I know Bug is in a much better place and that my emotions are just selfishness on my part for wanting him/her here with me instead, but its hard not to feel that way. We are selfish creatures by nature.
But then one day, I was outside in the front yard with Carl and Ty and Carl was holding Ty's hand and leading him down the sidewalk. While watching them, I let my mind wander a bit and when I focused back on them, I realized what I was seeing. The Lord was showing me that that was what HE was doing with Bugaboo. HE was leading the way, while my little angel was holding the hand of GOD! And for the first time I felt an incredible and lasting sense of peace. It doesn't get more amazing than that!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Understanding and Acceptance
As children, our parents teach us to be nice to others and treat everyone fairly. As adults, we learn to not discriminate against anyone regardless of their race, color, religion, sex or national origin. I think most of us try and succeed in doing just that, too. But what about who a person is? How do we think and feel about a person when looking at their personality?
I think when it comes to getting to know, understand and accept other people - confusion gets the better of us more often than we'd like to admit. It's hard not to try to fit the people we know into the molds that make us feel most comfortable. We seek comfortable situations by nature, so it stands to reason we would seek out people we are comfortable with, too. However, people grow and change everyday. We often have to decide if we want to understand, accept (or both) the changes that occur.
And there is a difference between understanding and accepting. I think we assume they go hand in hand and they don't really have to. I knew a man who worked for a long time friend. When they started working together, the plan was that they would make the company grow and eventually take it over and run the whole operation. Well, his friend was the son-in-law of the owner and when his friend was promoted to president, things changed. My friend started getting pushed aside and left behind. Time and time again I would listen to him angrily tell me he didn't understand why he was being treated that way - that he would never do that to anyone. He would continually try to understand what was going through his friend's head. I had to explain to him that he was never going to understand why he was being treated poorly BECAUSE he would never do that to someone else, it was just not in him. BUT, he could accept that there are people out there who do treat people like that and then go from there on how he chose to handle it.
I worked for a company once with two other co-workers and once they left the company, I found out they had gone to my boss behind my back and told her lies about me, many times. When I found out, I think everyone was amazed that I didn't get upset and that I still keep in touch with them to this day. The thing is - I knew they were like that if for no other reason than they would come to me constantly and talk about other employees. Why would it be any different for me? I didn't understand what drove them to do that and why they liked to do it, but I accepted that that was just part of who they were and that as long as I knew that and kept things on a superficial level, I could really enjoy their company. Did I trust them? Of course not. Did they make me laugh and did I have a good time when I went out with them - sure did! Still do.
Now, a lot of us will admit that they accept a person for who they are, but it is usually someone they have to accept, like their boss, or an in-law. But do we really have people in our close lives that we don't understand, but accept. Or the opposite - are there people in our lives we understand, but just choose not to accept? And if so, why?
I think when it comes to getting to know, understand and accept other people - confusion gets the better of us more often than we'd like to admit. It's hard not to try to fit the people we know into the molds that make us feel most comfortable. We seek comfortable situations by nature, so it stands to reason we would seek out people we are comfortable with, too. However, people grow and change everyday. We often have to decide if we want to understand, accept (or both) the changes that occur.
And there is a difference between understanding and accepting. I think we assume they go hand in hand and they don't really have to. I knew a man who worked for a long time friend. When they started working together, the plan was that they would make the company grow and eventually take it over and run the whole operation. Well, his friend was the son-in-law of the owner and when his friend was promoted to president, things changed. My friend started getting pushed aside and left behind. Time and time again I would listen to him angrily tell me he didn't understand why he was being treated that way - that he would never do that to anyone. He would continually try to understand what was going through his friend's head. I had to explain to him that he was never going to understand why he was being treated poorly BECAUSE he would never do that to someone else, it was just not in him. BUT, he could accept that there are people out there who do treat people like that and then go from there on how he chose to handle it.
I worked for a company once with two other co-workers and once they left the company, I found out they had gone to my boss behind my back and told her lies about me, many times. When I found out, I think everyone was amazed that I didn't get upset and that I still keep in touch with them to this day. The thing is - I knew they were like that if for no other reason than they would come to me constantly and talk about other employees. Why would it be any different for me? I didn't understand what drove them to do that and why they liked to do it, but I accepted that that was just part of who they were and that as long as I knew that and kept things on a superficial level, I could really enjoy their company. Did I trust them? Of course not. Did they make me laugh and did I have a good time when I went out with them - sure did! Still do.
Now, a lot of us will admit that they accept a person for who they are, but it is usually someone they have to accept, like their boss, or an in-law. But do we really have people in our close lives that we don't understand, but accept. Or the opposite - are there people in our lives we understand, but just choose not to accept? And if so, why?
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Music vs. Lyrics
I love music - all types. Well, except opera (way too dramatic for me and I usually end up getting the giggles). And I'm sure most people do like a lot of varieties. My question, though is - do you like the music or the lyrics better? Obviously, there are a ton of songs out there that blend the lyrics and music so perfectly that you cannot choose, but generally speaking, which do you listen to more intently?
Although I was a band geek growing up and I love to climb into the notes of a beautiful song, I'd have to say I'm really more of a lyrics girl, myself. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I used to write poetry, maybe because I love to read - who knows? But there is something so amazing about someone putting pen to paper and writing simple words that can hurt you, sock you in the gut, make you cry, make you laugh, bring up your favorite memories, etc.
I love the written word and when someone writes something that makes me feel, and I'm able to relate to it as if it actually came from me - it always surprises and fascinates me. But sometimes it takes something being said a very specific way for it to really hit me. Think about when you have a problem and go to your friends for advice. They could all give you the same advice on what to do, but a lot of times there is only one person who says it in just a way that it makes complete sense to you - makes you think "Aha!" The Bible is another example. I grew up in a strong Christian home. My parents gave me a King James Bible when I was a child and I used it for years. I loved listening to all the history and what happened, I memorized my verses for Sunday school, but did NOT like reading my Bible. Then they gave me the NIV addition and a whole new world opened up and I was able to have a clearer picture and understanding. All of a sudden, the lessons actually applied to my day-to-day life and I loved it.
That's how the lyrics of a song can affect me. It can be random subjects, too. I mean, obviously there are love songs that fit certain times in your life, sad songs, sexy song, etc. But then there are songs like "American Pie" - even if you don't know what it's really about - I've never met anyone who doesn't love that song and the way it was written. There are a lot of song lyrics I love - lots! But one of my favorites are the lyrics to "Hook" by Blues Traveler. At the time it came out (1994), bubble gum pop was pretty much all you could hear on the radio. One day I was listening to the CD and a line caught my attention, so I listened to the song again and again and just fell in LOVE with it. Not only does it "stick it" to the pop music of the time, but fights against it as well - stands up to it while at the same time shows an understanding that there is a sacrifice that comes with it and how to get around it.
If you aren't familiar with the song, I wrote the lyrics below. But I highly recommend you listen to it either for the first time or again, because this is one where the music actually makes the lyrics even more mesmerizing!
Hook
It doesn't matter what I say
So long as I sing with inflection
That makes you feel that I'll convey
Some inner truth of vast reflection
But I've said nothing so far
And I can keep it up as long as it takes
And it don't matter who you are
If I'm doing my job, it's your resolve that breaks
Chorus:
Because the hook brings you back
On that you can rely
There is something amiss
I am being insincere
In fact I don't mean any of this
Still my confession draws you near
To confuse the issue I refer
To familiar heroes from long ago
No matter how much Peter loved her
What made the Pan refuse to grow?
Was that the hook brings you back
I ain't telling you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely
Suck it in, suck it in, suck it in
If you're Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn
Make a desperate move or else you'll win
And then begin to see
What you're doing to me this MTV is not for free
It's so PC it's killing me
So desperately I sing to thee of love
Sure but also rage and hate and pain and fear of self
And I can't keep these feelings on the shelf
I tried, well no in fact I lied
Could be financial suicide but I've got too much pride inside
To hide or slide
I'll do as I'll decide and let it ride until I've died
And only then shall I abide this tide
Of catchy little tunes
Of hip three minute ditties
I wanna bust all your balloons
I wanna burn all of your cities to the ground
I've found I will not mess around
Unless I play, then hey
I will go on all day, hear what I say
I have a prayer to pray
That's really all this was
And I'm feeling stuck and need a buck
I don't rely on luck because
The hook brings you back
I ain't tellin' you no lie
The hook...
On that you can rely
Although I was a band geek growing up and I love to climb into the notes of a beautiful song, I'd have to say I'm really more of a lyrics girl, myself. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I used to write poetry, maybe because I love to read - who knows? But there is something so amazing about someone putting pen to paper and writing simple words that can hurt you, sock you in the gut, make you cry, make you laugh, bring up your favorite memories, etc.
I love the written word and when someone writes something that makes me feel, and I'm able to relate to it as if it actually came from me - it always surprises and fascinates me. But sometimes it takes something being said a very specific way for it to really hit me. Think about when you have a problem and go to your friends for advice. They could all give you the same advice on what to do, but a lot of times there is only one person who says it in just a way that it makes complete sense to you - makes you think "Aha!" The Bible is another example. I grew up in a strong Christian home. My parents gave me a King James Bible when I was a child and I used it for years. I loved listening to all the history and what happened, I memorized my verses for Sunday school, but did NOT like reading my Bible. Then they gave me the NIV addition and a whole new world opened up and I was able to have a clearer picture and understanding. All of a sudden, the lessons actually applied to my day-to-day life and I loved it.
That's how the lyrics of a song can affect me. It can be random subjects, too. I mean, obviously there are love songs that fit certain times in your life, sad songs, sexy song, etc. But then there are songs like "American Pie" - even if you don't know what it's really about - I've never met anyone who doesn't love that song and the way it was written. There are a lot of song lyrics I love - lots! But one of my favorites are the lyrics to "Hook" by Blues Traveler. At the time it came out (1994), bubble gum pop was pretty much all you could hear on the radio. One day I was listening to the CD and a line caught my attention, so I listened to the song again and again and just fell in LOVE with it. Not only does it "stick it" to the pop music of the time, but fights against it as well - stands up to it while at the same time shows an understanding that there is a sacrifice that comes with it and how to get around it.
If you aren't familiar with the song, I wrote the lyrics below. But I highly recommend you listen to it either for the first time or again, because this is one where the music actually makes the lyrics even more mesmerizing!
Hook
It doesn't matter what I say
So long as I sing with inflection
That makes you feel that I'll convey
Some inner truth of vast reflection
But I've said nothing so far
And I can keep it up as long as it takes
And it don't matter who you are
If I'm doing my job, it's your resolve that breaks
Chorus:
Because the hook brings you back
On that you can rely
There is something amiss
I am being insincere
In fact I don't mean any of this
Still my confession draws you near
To confuse the issue I refer
To familiar heroes from long ago
No matter how much Peter loved her
What made the Pan refuse to grow?
Was that the hook brings you back
I ain't telling you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely
Suck it in, suck it in, suck it in
If you're Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn
Make a desperate move or else you'll win
And then begin to see
What you're doing to me this MTV is not for free
It's so PC it's killing me
So desperately I sing to thee of love
Sure but also rage and hate and pain and fear of self
And I can't keep these feelings on the shelf
I tried, well no in fact I lied
Could be financial suicide but I've got too much pride inside
To hide or slide
I'll do as I'll decide and let it ride until I've died
And only then shall I abide this tide
Of catchy little tunes
Of hip three minute ditties
I wanna bust all your balloons
I wanna burn all of your cities to the ground
I've found I will not mess around
Unless I play, then hey
I will go on all day, hear what I say
I have a prayer to pray
That's really all this was
And I'm feeling stuck and need a buck
I don't rely on luck because
The hook brings you back
I ain't tellin' you no lie
The hook...
On that you can rely
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